The last few weeks I have sat down to write and just couldn’t find words to put down… I knew that God would stir my heart when the timing was right and give me the words to say, so I stepped away for a little while and waited. Days went by and still nothing… I just couldn’t figure out how to express what I was feeling…until today—and it’s still pretty messy… but I’m going to write it anyway.
I’m scared to death… and have so many feelings going through my mind about this whole “becoming a mother thing.” I know that God is preparing me little by little but so many questions overwhelm me every time I think about the ticking clock getting closer and closer to me becoming a mom.
I cannot describe to you how badly I want to be a mother. It’s so close to real physical heartache sometimes that I have to get my mind off of thinking about our baby. I’ll find myself dreaming about what he/she is going to look like and longing to the baby noises. But in the midst of all of the excitement I also experience real fear about my inadequacies in becoming a mother. I have been so abundantly blessed to grow up with such an incredible example of what a godly mother should look like. My mom was the BEST mom, hands down! Maybe that’s why I am so terrified… I mean how do I just all of a sudden take on all of those traits that she exemplified? Being patient, gentle, kind, loving, creative, fun—while teaching me right from wrong… how do I do that?
I know the “right” answer is that I will grow into that role and that God will give me everything I need to be the mother He wants me to be… but that doesn’t make it any less scary. For me this is like telling someone that they will be sailing a ship soon… could be a month or it could be a year before it happens, but not to worry that when the time comes they will have everything they need in order to be a successful captain. Ok, so it’s not exactly the same thing… but that’s what it feels like to me.
So I’ve started being really blunt in my prayers with Jesus lately… I’m asking Him to make me a mom that will glorify Him. And instead of asking Him to take away my pain/heartache/fear, I’ve asked, “Jesus, let me see you.” Here’s an excerpt from a book I’ve been reading written by our pastor that has really encouraged me in this area, over the last few days…