I am a promise.

Purpose is a word we hear so often in church language. My pastor often says we were made on purpose, with a purpose, for a purpose. If you’re anything like me you love hearing that there is some great destiny that lies ahead, and that our lives could have a lasting legacy.

But all to often we hear that on Sunday, and then Monday morning awakes us with a screaming baby, a coffee spill, or our gas light coming on when we are already running late for work.

All my life I have felt a deep burning in my heart to do something big. As a little girl, I wanted to hand out stickers to people walking into Walmart. During my teen years, I dreamed of attending law school and then working for state government. In college, I changed my major three times and ended up pursuing a field completely outside my actual degree, but that’s another story. Today, as a 28 year old wife and mom, I have aspirations so big that I’m afraid to even whisper them out loud. I wonder why it’s ok for a little girl to dream, but when she becomes a woman that dream is met with shame and dismissal?

Growing up, I remember singing songs with my mom but one in particular still stands out to me, and as you read these lyrics imagine a spunky 3 year old with blonde pigtails belting it out to the top of her lungs…

I am a promise, I am a possibility. I am a promise, with a capital “P”. I am a great big bundle of potentiality. And I am learnin’ to hear God’s voice, and I am tryin’ to make the right choice. I am a promise to be, anything God wants me to be.

What a cute little girl right?! A little girl who isn’t afraid of what people think, who will stand in the middle of the grocery store and sing this song loud and clear, a little girl who believes those truths with everything inside her. A little girl who now wakes up every morning wondering if she still has permission to sing that very song.

Earlier this year I began wrestling with why God continued testing my faith. You see after struggles with my marriage, the pain of infertility, ups and downs of an adoption journey, and now a calling that is bigger than I feel is possible, I was pretty frustrated with why I have to keep walking through these things. One night as I was driving home listening to the radio, I actually screamed out a pretty ugly prayer, “how many times do I have to prove myself to you?” And in that very moment I was met with this realization—We may fight and win battle after battle after battle, but the war isn’t won until we surrender our strategy. You see I have walked into a hopeless situation and surrendered to the Lord’s plan, with the mindset that once I got through it life could go back to normal. Normal isn’t something the Lord calls anyone to. So that night as I drove in silence I knew the one thing he was asking me to hand over was that idea of my comfortable, normal, easy life. I had held on so tightly to the security of my plan for almost thirty years and quite frankly my hand was starting to hurt.

So this next season of my life is going to be an interesting one. A time where I’m going to step out knowing that there’s no such thing as an average, comfy, routine-run life in my future. An opportunity for a 28 year old to belt out “I am a promise” at the top of her lungs with the same belief she had when she was only 3 years old. Jesus has called me to something far greater—and I am meeting Him there with anticipation. I want to challenge you to do the same.

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